Kindness and Action in Difficult Times
In the midst of very real challenges, we are more prone to emotional storms, and we may find ourselves riding the waves of powerful feelings about what we are experiencing. We may wish to do something, but feel helpless in the face of so much difficulty. During such times, it can be of benefit to find and reconnect with touchstones, including internal and external resources, to help us find our solid ground and then perhaps decide what next steps feel important.
1. Find an Anchor of Resource
If emotions are high, we do not tend to think clearly. When we are upset by something, it can help to take a bit of time to connect with support before considering any problem solving. Taking a time-out, so to speak, can calm us, and serve to manage overwhelm. Stopping to take a few deep breaths, focusing on the solid sense of your feet on the ground, or going for a walk and deliberately focusing on your senses, such as vision and hearing, are all ways to regulate inner experiences by encouraging attention externally on what is present here and now, including anything good. Generally, even briefly doing something we find nourishing, or pleasant also helps us find greater steadiness.
2. Seek More Clarity
If something has upset us, we might opt to take a bit of time to reflect so as to better understand our reaction, and perhaps what we might do about it. To this point, I will next share a valuable practice called R.A.I.N., developed by Tara Brach. It supports not only steadiness, but compassionate understanding.
R – is for taking a moment to Recognize what is happening. We notice what body sensations, emotions, and thoughts we are experiencing. Sometimes, we may only be aware of part of our experience, like a worry. Taking note of all of our inner happenings allows us to check in with more actual listening, as we might do with a friend who wanted to tell us something important. We listen to better understand what is true.
A – Next, we simply allow our honest experience to be there, just as it is. We may not like a given experience. But, since the experience is here anyway, allowing means letting the feelings, thoughts, and body sensations be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything. If we try to push away difficult feelings, sometimes they get bigger, instead. Allowing sometimes helps us almost create more inner space to tolerate what is there. You might imagine what it feels like when a friend seems to be really listening to you, and how good it feels to be seen and acknowledged. Allowing is like that, in that you are not turning away from yourself, just as you would not turn away from a friend. For example, if you notice fear, you might allow by mentally saying to yourself, “It’s okay,” or “Yes, I see.”
I - Now, we investigate with interest and care. Investigating means connecting with your natural curiosity to direct attention to your present experience. You might ask yourself something like, “What here inside is most asking for my attention? What am I believing, or does this mean for me? What does this hurting, or vulnerable place want? What does it most need?” Questions like this help us tap into our wisdom about why we may feel the way we do, and what next steps might make sense. Our deeper wisdom includes not just our thoughts, but also the felt sense of our bodies and emotions.
N - We next nurture ourselves with a dose of self-compassion. Genuine kindness towards ourselves as a human being can arise naturally in moments where you can see that you are having a hard time. Try to sense what hurting or upset place inside you needs some attention, and then offer a gesture of kindness. It might be some words of comfort or encouragement, like, “I am here for you,” “I am sorry you are going through this,” “You will get through this,” or even an image of being with someone who cares for you and offers you support in some way, like a beloved pet, friend, family member, or spiritual figure.
As strange as this might sound to some, research continues to support the conclusion that relating to ourselves with the type of support that we give to those we care about actually has a strong ability to help us manage difficulties, and to find and connect with our inner strength and resources. R.A.I.N. is one practice that can support this process.
3. Act Consciously and Meaningfully
Once we have more inner grounding and clarity about why we are upset, we then have more freedom to choose wisely what action would be most helpful. For example, if Jeff realizes he has become overwhelmed by following an upsetting news story for a week, he might opt to take a couple of days off to give himself space to meet up with friends, or to redirect his focus to other activities that he enjoys to help him reconnect with what is good in life, and what sustains him. Sometimes, we need to take care of ourselves.
Yet, finding and connecting with support for ourselves does not mean we relinquish the option of taking conscious action. It is simply that we are more able to give when we have re-charged our batteries and have more energy, as well as considered awareness of what matters to us. One very well-known and well-regarded Zen Buddhist social activist, the late Thich Nhat Hanh, knew this lesson well. As a public figure, he first came to the world’s attention in the 1960s, during the war in his native country of Vietnam. He chose at the time to leave monastic isolation and come into public life, and he did this because he wanted to care for the victims of that war, and to work to support reconciliation among warring parties. He termed this process “engaged Buddhism,” and for his passionate efforts, Martin Luther King, Jr. nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize. The heart of his approach was the belief that action, grounded in compassion and the desire to end suffering, is the most effective way to confront adversity.
So, what does that mean for each of us on a smaller, more individual level? At such times, we often look to elders, mentors, or guides to teach us now to navigate rough waters. The lesson of Thich Nhat Hanh may remind us that our intentions are as important as our actions themselves. When we act from a place of caring, even small gestures become a part of greater efforts among many to counteract forces of hatred, or struggle. For some, this may involve simply making a conscious choice daily to interact with people with more kindness and understanding. I know many people who find contentment and purpose in simple acts like this, as an intentional gesture to spread good in the world, even as they are aware of the struggles that exist. It is a statement towards the continued pursuit of goodness to meet such forces to the contrary. For others, taking focused action to donate to, or become more actively involved in specific, collective movements or causes feels like the right step.
If we allow our focus to remain at the macro level and on all of the difficult news we hear, our mind and heart may become lost in hopelessness and lack of control. Yet, if we have kindness and support for our own good heart, and if we gain clarity about what we are feeling and what matters to us, we can more easily find even one step forward. This empowerment, in turn, can ease our distress.
If we view even simple acts of kindness as a drop in the ocean of goodness that represents what we wish to cultivate in this world, each of our contributions matters. Not all of us will become global figures. But, in our own circles of influence, we can choose our path.
As is sometimes said, it is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Yet, striking that match means more than simply choosing not to give in to despair. It also means we have a choice to do something, and this choice serves as a reminder that we do not act alone. When you feel the weight of the world, remember that we are each among many. Know you are not alone, and that many continue to care, lighting their own candles and brightening dark places, all across the world.
I hope you have found some inspiration in this post as to how you might meet your own distress and that of others with kindness and supportive action. If you believe you may need some additional support at this time, feel free to reach out with a message or a phone call for a free consultation. I would be happy to connect with you about how I may be able to help.