Working with Change
As the saying goes, “All good things come to an end,” and we may speak wistfully about how “time flies” when we’re having fun. How many times have you wished you could savour a pleasant experience just a little bit longer? By contrast, we might be comforted that many of our difficulties also come and go. When we say, “This too shall pass,” we hope we will navigate whatever storm we are facing, and soon emerge to sail peacefully in a clear, blue sky.
In a human life, change is not an option. It is part of the journey itself. As such, learning how to navigate it skillfully can support us to enjoy our lives more fully, and to suffer as little as possible. In this article, we will explore some perspectives and simple practices that may be helpful to that purpose.
1. Remember that Change is Normal.
We often assign a sense of liking or disliking to change, even though the phenomenon of change itself is neither good, nor bad. It is simply a part of life. Impermanence occurs all around us, from the flowering of plants in springtime to their eventual passing, or patient hibernation in winter.
When unexpected change feels good, we might call it a pleasant surprise. When it is the opposite, we may feel disappointed or annoyed, or even overwhelmed with feelings of loss, and the anxiety that uncertainty can bring. Such reactions are common. We usually find ourselves wanting more of what we like, and less of what we do not.
If we experience a change we do not like, we may find some initial steadiness if we remind ourselves that this is how it goes, sometimes. It is not a mistake or a failing. That is to say, when things go well, we can think we are doing well, and when things go poorly, we can blame ourselves. Yet, since change is just part of living a human life, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are not doing life well. This point can be subtle, but one that is often beneficial to watch out for. We can learn from change. But, change itself, and the joys and challenges it brings, are simply part of being human. It’s okay, and you’re not alone.
2. Come Back to the Present.
When change happens, we may feel overwhelmed by leaving the past behind, and scared at what may lie ahead. Even though our human minds like to get lost in the past, or some imagined (or dreaded) future, coming back to the present allows us to be in a place where we can influence our situation, because we can only live our lives in the ‘now.’
If you find your mind caught up in the past or future, it can help to take a moment to steady yourself. One method is to take a few deep breaths, focusing on slow, long exhales to trigger the body’s relaxation response. You might even connect with sensory grounding, such as pushing your feet into the floor, or steadying yourself by looking around and, out loud or silently, naming a few objects that you see. These types of simple strategies can help us get unhooked from a strong thought, or inner storyline, using our senses to tune into the present moment, and taking our attention away from focusing so intently on our thoughts, and associated emotions.
Next, you might become curious about what is happening with your reaction to see how you can support yourself in some way. For example, if you are in a pleasant experience and you notice that you are focusing on feelings of sadness that it will end, you can practice shifting your mindset to gratitude. What might you notice that you can appreciate? Since every good moment is transitory, enjoying it with all of our senses is a way to live it as fully as we can and not take it for granted. If you could take a memory snapshot, how might you imagine yourself like a sponge, soaking up the emotions, colours, shapes, sounds, textural aspects, scents, tastes? How might you immerse yourself most fully? The good in our lives is a gift. Consider how you might receive it well.
However, if you are in the midst of an unpleasant change, you might come back to the moment to consider what support might be needed for this. Could you talk to a friend or loved one to help you problem solve, or curl up on the couch and let yourself get lost in a show that makes you laugh and helps you take a break from the difficulty? What could help, even a little, in this moment? Perhaps you might try a few words of kindness and encouragement towards yourself, like, “I see this is hard. You’ll get through this.” For some, this may sound strange. But, research in the field of self-compassion shows us that, if we relate to ourselves as we might do for a friend, this gesture can be supportive in ways we can actually see in brain scans. Inside, we experience self-compassion as if we are being supported by another, only like having an inner friend who is there for you at all times.
If we focus on the ending of something good, it is hard to enjoy the moment when it is here. If we focus on something we don’t like, we create stories about how bad it is, and how much worse it might get. Coming back to the moment allows us more agency to see what we can control, whether that is a choice to simply enjoy what is great while is lasts, or a way to see how we can best access inner or outer resources to help us with something difficult that is present right now.
3. Look for the Opportunity, or the Meaning.
In a human life, some changes are not our choice, and others we select for ourselves. When we feel the impact of changes we did not ask for, or did not want, we can feel victimized. In our societies, social, economic, and other inequalities and challenges exist, and the impact of these forces is real. Similarly, we sometimes make choices ourselves that do not turn out as we hoped, and we may experience a period of anxiety and confusion about what to do next.
Looking for the meaning, or the opportunity in our experience of change does not mean that we ignore the truth that every human life has painful experiences that are challenging, and that some of these difficulties may even be unjust. It simply means that, even in such circumstances, navigating change well involves considering how our response might reflect who we are, what we stand for, and what matters.
As an example, you might consider someone who has received a cancer diagnosis. For many, a change like this can feel like a life before, and a life after such fateful words have been spoken. Yet, I have met people who have had such experiences, and have found a way (albeit as a process with its ups and downs) to see an opportunity in their experience. Perhaps they decide that now is the time to get around to certain important things they have been putting off, because there is a sense that time may be short. They might reach out to make amends to certain people, or decide to take that trip they have always wanted. Others may choose this as a time to give their health and lifestyle an overhaul, and people have emerged in remission as healthier than they were before their diagnosis. Others still may go on to participate in causes to support the development of treatments, like the women who row in dragon boats, racing in bright, pink shirts to fundraise for cancer research.
Studies that are researching what is called ‘post-traumatic growth’ show that even very difficult life changes can offer a gateway to a more fulfilling life. People may come to recognize those places where they do not feel balanced, aligned, or true to themselves, and they may take steps to move closer to what feels authentic. They may decide to become more honest, loving, creative, or brave, or to change careers, partners, or where they live.
One aspect of change we do not often talk a lot about is how it offers us an opportunity to stop, assess our lives, and see if we might actually be out of alignment in some way with who and what we want most deeply.
To explore such an opportunity in change, you might choose to set aside moments of quiet time with a small notebook, or journal to do some self-reflection. Among other questions, you could ask, “What is this change connecting to that is most difficult for me?” “What is it showing me that I need, or want?” “Who or what might assist me now?” “Who and what do I really care about?” “How do I want to meet this change in a way that I feel most like who I truly am, or who I want to become?”
4. Consider Becoming Your Own Change Agent.
Lastly, and drawing from the previous point, the more that we gain clarity about who we are, who we want to be, and what most matters to us, the more likely we are to initiate changes in our lives in alignment with our deepest values, and wishes. Sometimes, change simply arrives, ready or not. Other times, we are the ones who make this choice to be the creative force in our own lives.
I have heard it said that people change for two reasons. They change because circumstances force them to, or because they choose to change their circumstances. The latter can often feel more empowering. Since not everyone has the same privileges and opportunities, it is important to note that we may at times be limited in the types of change we can make. However, in the words of the late Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was a writer, physician, and the creator of a form of psychotherapy focused on the power of meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Before he created Logotherapy, Dr. Frankl was a holocaust survivor, and during his time in the concentration camps he noticed one factor that seemed to make a difference in people’s survival was how they viewed their circumstances. Those who, for example, focused on helping others or who looked for ways to have optimism seemed to fare better and to survive longer. Some even lived to experience the relief of liberation, as he did himself. And so, even in very hard situations where we might have limited control, what we focus on can have a powerful effect.
If we truly want to change our circumstances, it is important to consider what options we have to move in that direction. What might be one step? If someone wants another career, they might decide to do some online research, consult a career centre, or sign up for night school. If, however, someone perceives that they cannot change their situation, or are not yet sure what options may be available to do so, how might they work with their perspective? How can they appreciate what is good in their lives, what they have accomplished, what meaningful goals they are working towards, and what and who they love?
Such self-awareness is a process and a practice, including ongoing reflection, and trial and error as we test our assumptions and plans in purposeful ways. Cultivating the capacity to be a creative force in our own lives can help us feel more empowered, rather than victimized, by whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.
Change happens, whether we want it or not. Though, we can learn to navigate these forces, and the compass that guides our way is our understanding of ourselves, and what matters most to us. As we practice how to work with change, we are often more able to experience the spirit of adventure that impermanence offers. Something new is always arising, which can feel exciting and liberating. Through storms and blue skies, we learn we can trust our wings, and even find joy in the journey.
I hope you have found some benefit in what I have shared. If you might like additional support as you explore how to navigate the forces of change in your own life, feel free to send me a message or to give me a call for a free consultation. I would be happy to talk about how I may be able to help you along your way.